Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
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its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
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So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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