Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
