True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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