My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
