I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
