Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
