I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
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I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
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Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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