Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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