Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
