Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
