Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize