Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
