When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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