There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
