Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
