Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you had me at cake vodka
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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