I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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