she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
