just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
