Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
