I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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