Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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