I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
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