im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
