That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
