I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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