U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
being pregnant is like rehab
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
