I think my fart just growled at me.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
