I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid