Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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