I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My pussy is not your playground.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
