good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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