You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
