I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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