Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
