someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
