I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
