I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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