Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
