she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
