i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I need to calm my uterus...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
