i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
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