Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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