When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
