does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Randomize
