Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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