Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
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We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
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Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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