Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
