I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
