Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
