I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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