Will you blow on my dice?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
