please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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