My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
