I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
