We won't sleep together?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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